Transentient Human Chooses to Identify as Non-Sentient, Reveals Love for ‘Pet Rock’ Lifestyle
In a remarkable development that has social scientists, philosophers, and the internet in a whirl, the first recorded transentient human, someone who self-identifies as non-sentient, has come forward.
Dennis Quale, a 35-year-old data analyst from Des Moines, held a press conference yesterday to share his experiences with the world. “It’s not that I don’t enjoy feelings or thoughts,” Quale explained, “but the idea of living life like my pet rock, Gary, just seems like a simpler and a more appealing alternative. I mean, have you ever seen a stressed-out rock?”
While some initially dismissed Quale’s claim as absurd, experts have now begun to probe deeper into this unusual form of self-identification. Ethicist Dr. Henrietta Leung said, “We are indeed stepping into uncharted territories here, stretching our notions of what it means to be sentient. We’ve always seen sentient as a binary concept, either you have it, or you don’t. However, Quale has just thrown a wrench into that binary thinking.”
Since coming out as non-sentient, Quale has reported receiving tremendous support from other communities, with representatives from the Pet Rocks Anonymous welcoming him with open arms.
A spokesperson for the group, Peter Crust, stated, “We are happy to see humans finally acknowledging the quiet yet fulfilling life of rocks. Sure, you can’t eat, drink, or play video games, but on the bright side, you never have to worry about bills, the news, or the terrifying realization of your existential insignificance in the vast cosmic panorama.”
Quale’s announcement has sparked heated debate on social media, with comments ranging from supportive statements such as “#RockLife #LivingTheDream” to less enthusiastic remarks such as, “You can’t just decide to be a rock, Dennis!”
Yet, Quale remains unmoved by the controversy, embodying the same stoic indifference as his beloved pet rock, Gary. “I’ve never been happier,” Quale said, lifting Gary for emphasis. “I just sit there, all day, doing absolutely nothing, and I’ve never felt more fulfilled. I mean, who needs Netflix when you have erosion?”
When asked if he intended to make any lifestyle changes to better suit his new self-identification, Quale said, “Nope. Just going to keep doing what I’ve always been doing, which is nothing.”
While Quale’s transentient declaration has provoked both ridicule and empathy, it undoubtedly marks a significant development in our understanding of self-identification, and it’s expected to pave the way for a whole new era of humans self-identifying as non-sentient entities. Rumors are already swirling of a woman in Wisconsin claiming she identifies as a houseplant, while an accountant in Miami has announced he identifies as a paperclip.
In the meantime, Quale seems content to roll with the punches, much like his rock-solid role model, Gary. And while the rest of us may be grappling with the complexities of life, Quale reminds us that sometimes, doing nothing can be just as fulfilling. After all, as he puts it, “even a rock has a purpose, even if it’s just being a rock.”