Supreme Court Dismisses Trump's Charges, Ruling 'Insignificance of Crimes Pales Next to Actual Presidency,' Stuns Both Political Poles
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In a shockingly paradoxical move, the Supreme Court has dismissed all charges against former President Donald Trump with a 6-3 majority, ruling that his alleged crimes were essentially ‘small potatoes’ compared to the overall impact of his presidency.
The court, rejecting legal orthodoxy, adopted a comprehensive approach, likening Trump’s presidency to a Godzilla-size dinosaur stomping through a metropolitan area, and the charges to merely stepping on an unfortunate litterbug. The majority opinion, drafted in a tone suggesting a blend of bemusement and resignation, stated, “We must consider the full breadth of the dinosaur’s path of destruction, not just the minor infractions.”
As the ruling was announced, reactions ranged from flabbergasted silence to poorly suppressed chortles. The three liberal judges, known for their fiery dissents, astoundingly fell into alignment with the majority. Justice Sotomayor, appearing both perplexed and amused, concurred, “It feels peculiar to be in agreement with my colleagues. The severity of these alleged crimes is dwarfed when seen in the context of, you know, the overall presidential epoch.”
The conservative judges split 3-3, creating a spectrum of agreement that reshaped traditional party lines. The trio who voted against the dismissal did so not because they disagreed about the crimes’ triviality, but due to their unwavering belief that Trump’s presidency was, against all odds, a good thing. Chief Justice Roberts, in his concurring opinion, whimsically quipped, “It’s like we’re debating whether to discipline a hurricane for knocking over a single lawn chair.”
The decision has thrown political commentators into a frenzy. Laura Coates, CNN’s leading legal analyst, was left speechless, while the Fox News channel, having recently dismissed Tucker Carlson over a Trump-related fiasco, aired a stunned-looking AI-generated commentator who could only mutter, “System error. Rebooting.”
Meanwhile, in Mar-a-Lago, the former president initially misunderstood the ruling as a defeat, launching into a Twitter tirade about ‘fake justice.’ Upon grasping that it was, in fact, a victory, he promptly deleted his tweets and replaced them with a triumphant “SCOTUS gets it! My so-called crimes were nothing compared to the crime of my presidency ending. MAGA forever!”
Although the ruling sets no legal precedent, it has managed to unite both sides of the aisle in shared disbelief, provided fresh comedic gold for SNL’s cold open, and sparked fresh debates about the future of legal decisions in a political climate as unpredictable as a reality TV show finale.
Legal scholars, meanwhile, are on a nationwide scavenger hunt for aspirin, prepping for what they’re dubbing ‘the most monumental political hangover in history.’