Eccentric Scientist Advocates for 'F3 System', Insists Metric and Imperial are Merely 'Planckless Disarray'
In an unexpected twist of scientific advocacy, local scientist and self-proclaimed measurement revolutionary, Dr. Horatio Measurenot, is rallying for a new system of measurement dubbed ‘F3’, claiming it to be the perfect middle ground between the metric system, the imperial units, and the absurdly tiny Planck units.
F3, based on the historical Firkins, Furlongs, and Fortnights, has been hailed by Dr. Measurenot as a “stroke of unmitigated genius,” since in his words, “If the metric system, the Imperial units, and even the Planck units are arbitrary, why not embrace a system based on beer barrels, horse races, and medieval timekeeping?”
Dr. Measurenot has been publicly evangelizing for the adoption of the F3 system, using firkins to measure liquid volume, furlongs for distance, and fortnights for time. With a glint in his eyes, he told our correspondents, “A pint of ale and a horse race is all the universe needs to calibrate itself.”
This comes as a shock for many in the scientific community, with his peers and even his pet beagle expressing their doubts. However, Measurenot is not deterred. “Are metric and Imperial units any less arbitrary? We’re comparing meters and feet to the size of the Earth and some king’s foot from yesteryears,” he stated. “And don’t get me started on Planck units - seriously, who has seen a Planck length or lived a Planck time?”
“Quantum physicists? More like quantum fiction-ists!” he added, waving his 19th-century pocket watch for emphasis.
In his campaign for the F3 system, Measurenot has gone as far as designing a new ruler – the ‘Furlong-stick’, which is approximately 201.168 meters long and nearly impossible to fit inside a classroom. He believes students will have a much more interactive experience, remarking, “Well, it’s not my fault if modern classrooms are not designed for a furlong-stick!”
However, his most significant achievement yet is his proposed unit of force - the ‘AleHorseRace’. This unit, which equals one Firkin multiplied by Furlong per Fortnight squared, has already been denounced by the International System of Units (SI) as “an embarrassment to centuries of scientific progress.”
Amidst the furore, Measurenot remains unshaken, “All I’m doing is replacing one arbitrary system with another, only this one is more fun and has a better backstory.” He’s reportedly drafting a petition to introduce ‘F3’ in schools, insisting it’s about time the youngsters learn about real-world units like the firkin and fortnight.
While the world debates the seriousness of his proposal, Dr. Measurenot prepares to measure the speed of light in “furlongs per fortnight.” We hope his horse is up to the task.