Supreme Court Rules 5-4: Dad Jokes & Puns Not Protected Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a ground-shaking decision that sparked disbelief, chuckles, and some dad-like groans from the public, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Monday that dad jokes and puns do not fall under the protection of free speech. This contentious ruling has ignited a humorous wave of rebellion amongst fathers nationwide, culminating in signs and t-shirts declaring: “If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will pun.”

The groundbreaking decision, humorously dubbed “The Pungate,” came after a drawn-out legal battle waged by the Eye Roll Coalition, a group of disgruntled teenagers who argued that their fathers’ endless stream of dad jokes and puns constituted a form of psychological torment. Adding to the controversy, the ban also extends to a specific type of wry humor, known among dads as “a salt wry fools.” Justice Prudence Warren, writing for the majority, held that “The First Amendment was not designed to protect speech that inflicts severe mental distress on the listener. The cornier the pun, the more extreme the torment, and as for those ‘a salt wry fools’ — the court simply cannot stand for such foolery.”

This ruling is not without dissent. Justice Douglas Ginsberg, a well-known dad joke enthusiast himself, wrote a fervent minority opinion alleging that this ruling was both constitutionally dubious and discriminatory against men, specifically fathers. “This ruling is a blatant sexist assault on dadhood, threatening to strip American fathers of their fundamental right to free speech, no matter how pun-intended or fool-laden it may be.”

Following the ruling, puns, dad jokes, and “a salt wry fools” can now legally be regulated or even banned in various settings, prompting an uproar amongst fathers nationwide. The local Father’s Union in Nebraska was reportedly preparing to organize a march, with the rallying cry mirrored on t-shirts and signs across the country: “If puns and ‘a salt wry fools’ are outlawed, only outlaws will pun and fool.”

This pun and fool prohibition has caused chaos in the tech industry, with dad joke apps and pun repositories scrambling to adjust their algorithms and content. In a related development, the stock price of Amazon’s Alexa, known for her punny replies and foolishly wry humor, took a noticeable dip following the announcement.

This development has thrown the 2023 Father’s Day celebrations into a state of uncertainty, with children and partners unsure whether to proceed with the usual barrage of dad-joke-themed gifts and cards. Despite the ruling’s gravity, the day was not without its humor. The Court’s ruling was immediately followed by an increase in the sale of joke books, indicating a possible shift in dad humor from puns and fools to knock-knock jokes.

As fathers don pun-ban-defying t-shirts and arm themselves with newly purchased joke books, the world watches in amused anticipation. Only time will tell how this bold ruling will impact our nation’s dads and their unwavering dedication to humor, however groan-inducing or wry it may be. But one thing’s clear - if puns and “a salt wry fools” are outlawed, these dedicated dads will indeed become outlaws - at least in the realm of punning and fooling.